http://www.junk-machine.tumblr.com

the title of the post does not literally mean i'm going off though. lol. i've been an emotional wreck, or emo they call it, for the past 1 year. in this time, there have been beautiful people surrounding me. whom i'm thankful for having by my side although i don't really show the appreciation through every pore of my skin.

i'm twenty one, but when it comes to emotional dealings, i think i'm very much immature still. i still throw the tantrums, the sarcasm, the vulgarities at the same people whom i can seek comfort in. i still need people to hear me out, accept my points, accept my views and listen to me when i'm feeling down. people whom i need to tell i'm insomniac and have plenty of unhealthy habits which they're against. it's not that these people are not willing to listen, but many go speechless and it's understandable because i leave them at such. some tried, some tired. i've been resting my comfort on others shoulders for the past 365 days. and some along the way, i've lost them too. not the relationship i used to share with. my insecurities are eating me like i'm the hari raya serving you get during a visit. these insecurities are causing me to fear that i might lose a few more people along the way; and it's not like i have that many to lose.

maybe it's time for a change. maybe it's time for building up relationships based on happiness than sympathy. this post is not meant for self-pity shit, because i hate in that indulgence. maybe it's enough of people worrying about my habits and downfall. notice i use maybe on most of the sentences in this paragraph. because i know there are some beautiful people only divine intervention can stop me from telling them about what i'm going through. but maybe it's time for a change. everyone has issues of their own lives, and it's unfair to add my woes and worries into their cheerful lives. maybe it's time to grow up. so here on, i shall talk to my heart to comfort. and when it doesn't there's cigarette. or should i put it the other way round. it's time to stop being selfish and start being selfless. in me i shall seek comfort, and hopefully in me i'll find it.

to the beautiful people, you know who you guys are. the ones i seek comfort in, the ones who know every single detail of my life, the ones whom i vent my frustration on, the ones who get the sarcasms, the ones whom get my 'F' words, the ones who constantly try to accept my views and points. i thank you from the bottom of my heart, and i'm sorry from the top of my heart (there's not a better time in seeikng forgiveness than hari raya). despite the mess i'm in, you guys make life beautiful. but i'm here for everyone of you should you need me.

it's one of those nights. another sleepless one. if there was a 'sleepless in singapore' movie, i ought to be the lead cast. not that i'm all excited about what might present tomorrow for the festive occasion, i'm just sleepless. insomniac.

i'm in a beautiful mess. the world surrounding me is beautiful, yet messy. the people surrounding me are beautiful, yet i'm messy. the feelings are beautiful, yet messy. whatever i'm typing seems beautiful, but messy because i'm not sure what i'm typing either. it's just that my brain functions my hands to type these. maybe it's because jason mraz's beautiful mess is playing directly to my ear. it's sort of a taboo song for certain reasons, but i'm just letting it play and drown into a deeper sea of sorrow. like i know how to swim in the first place.

i don't know how i'm in this position i'm in. but somehow, i'm here. nevermind the exhaustion mentally and physically, i'm thankful enough to be alive and breathing with all that i've been through. yeah the constant reminder of people are having it worse than i am. but to each his own. to each, his problems are bigger. no amount of comfort or understanding by another, is totally understood. if we could exchange shoes.

the chat with lene brings about a certain optimism to what seem to be a pessimistic night. and we both agree 'beautiful mess' is the insecure people anthem. but it's beautiful, so fucking real. oh the wait is so worth it. but the mood has a sudden twist to it due to lene's new link. if we just try try try, if we just live out lives and put our differences aside. oh that would be so beautiful to me. 11/50.

i think i've had enough of the fancy layouts for the blog and trying to find a suitable one which causes endless complications with codes and the need to arrange every single gadget they call it. so i'll keep it simple. as long as you can read.

life as a workaholic lasted for 4 days as a traffic counter at far east. i must say it wasn't the most comfortable of places to put your butt on for 6 hours 4 days straight. but i guess that's work. a routine. so long as the money at the end of the day supports your ass thats paining for days you work for.

i'm suffering from a lack of inspiration to do anything. music or even picking up the book which i borrowed off the library to read it. as enticing as the title might sound 'what men think about sex', it fails to seduce me into having sex with it. festive mood is on, but i feel off it even before it reaches the calender.

people will yak about the life i lead, but so long as the junk i do leads my night through seems to be just enough for now. reality sucks balls, but the future you promised seems to be a long forgotten past. changes everywhere. a year back and a year on does change alot of things. i wonder if people do see it. yet i'm blamed for constantly being a junk machine. you do the math.

alicia key's voice seem to be the only comforting tune of the night for now although it serves nothing to the way i feel. it just brings you a little optimism to life. goodnight.

In New York,
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
Theres nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York,
These streets will make you feel brand new,
The lights will inspire you,
Lets hear it for New York, New York, New York
Welcome to the bright light.

serving the nation is part and parcel of growing up as a male singapore citizen. i still do not understand the rationale behind two years of our life gone to the military world. but i shall stop my comments about it here before i spend a couple of years behind bars. this post is dedicated to my brothers before they begin their fruitful journey as soldiers of our country.


dear Nur Ahmad Muhaimin

i've got to say it's going to be weird that i won't spot your 'minou' online (unless you choose to waste electricity and leave your computer on, which you would be reprimanded by sarah nudewinter for not being environmental conscious). i guess since day one i added you on msn, til now, you've prolly been online everyday and of course sleeping while being away from the keyboard thus wasting kb and kb of electricity. but nonetheless, it's good having you online because you're online in case i get sleepless and just need to bug someone. thanks for the endless work for my 'therapy' album. and i guess if i got a gig in absence, there would be no 'walking out the door' or maybe your vocals would be used as i lip sync your brilliance. the next time i pop before you POP, i'll dedicate that one to keeping it real. or we would. thanks for the drinks (soda water, root beer and bubblegum flavored can drinks). the wasabi trying to come out of our noses will be the next outing. take care as you embark on this journey of boys, rifles, sweat and officers who have swallowed microphones as boys trying to be emcees. in the mean time, all silver fox would be strictly catered by me. word to the father. take care brother.


dear muhammad rafie

i'll start of by this letter by saying, i'm so glad i met you today. because that meant a whole lot to me and a free bowl of mushroom minced chicken noodle at tong seng. i remember you seeing you growing up, from the 'malu malu kuching' days to being 'lovey dovey rafie'. god knows what you're going to become after this two years of military service. i would invite you to leave all your camera's with me in this tough period of life for you as they would be a liability lying around in your house serving no purpose as you're serving us. thanks for the endless photographs from gigs to lepak time. it's with a heavy heart that i'm mentioning that i'm going to upload the photo of you with your hip hop pose at henderson wave captured by my nokia phone to repay every single photo you've helped me snap, mr snapxountist. i still think you should have went in protege, but it's an old story since now you go beyond our typical love story. if you need to talk to someone, i'm always here my brother, with my late night voice ready for you. i like. word to the mother. take care my brother. it's a pixelated love. pixelated love. oh by the way, do not drop your soap, or your voice would become exactly like mariah carey's.

although the above mentioned post has some homosexual tendencies, it's all in the name of bro-mance. i will miss you guys, do send some money from time to time as i'm still in a financial crisis.

girls' sincerely,
nur muhammad